O

It’s a long, lonely afternoon. The sun beats down with all its might and the people wither and wilt. I manage to fold my legs in the swiveling office chair and stare at the heads bent over their laptops.

This is not where I belong.

I begin at the no. It’s a nice, round ‘o’ sound that carries into the silence. I begin here, not at nothing, but at something less than nothing.

Each no I utter shoves me deeper into a stone cold pit. It’s not bad, I quite like it down here. But then those voices begin shouting my name. Then come the search parties, stumbling with flashlights through the dark undergrowth. Worried, concerned voices, searching for me in the wrong places. I remain silent. I let them yell and they get louder each night. The voices, they comfort me. I want to be sought, yet I want to remain lost to the world.

I am lost, even now, to the world that represses, the world that sits in judgment and the world that drowns out perfect harmonies.

And so I run. Wind-whipped hair and a gasp of air, hear the beat, feel the heat, run fast, lose the past, hit the wall, break the fall, take a plunge, fill your lungs, forget what you know and just let go.

Expel

I ate a burger today. Immediately after, I wanted to shit it out.

I listened to strangers yak about bullshit until my ears began to burn. I needed to vomit the poison I had injected.

I went for a run until sweat dripped from every pore.

It wasn’t enough.

I wanted to cut myself and watch the blood trickle from unsuspecting veins.

I wanted to reach inside my throat and turn myself inside out. I wanted my guts to spill out in a heap on the side of the road.

Instead, I expelled words.