If you are anything like me, you will have known nights like these. Thoughts keep you awake, your body is begging you to sleep, exhaustion is taking you down but your obstinate mind refuses to blink. Your brain will ignore the pleas of your body and calmly proceed to rip up and shred every incident and every conversation you have had during the day into tiny, tiny pieces and then surgically slice each piece into particles and quarks that can be obsessed over for the rest of the night.
I have been questioning whether I am forcing myself to be alone or if I am truly enjoying the feeling. Do I pretend I don’t care, or do I really not care? Am I cold and prickly, or warm and gooey in the middle? Am I the asshole I think I am, or am I simply pretending to be an asshole?
I take pride in my rationality. It has been my compass in every decision I have taken, and yet I have found a way to stop obsessing which had nothing to do with rationality. The only way to seek who you truly are is to look within yourself. Your subconscious mind will provide you with clarity.
When I forgot to be mindful of how I appear to other people when I sit alone in cafés for hours, I knew I was truly comfortable being alone. When I became oblivious to people’s stares and judgments instead of merely ignoring them, I knew I no longer cared. When I could walk away with tears in my eyes, I knew I was strong enough to be vulnerable.
I saw myself without a mirror. And then I closed my eyes and slept.
Only one thought has weighed on me all day long. Do I want to be the writer or the story?
You tell me you are writing me, and I long to be written about. I am the story you were born to write. And since I cannot write my own story, I shall wait. I shall wait for the writer to meet the story.
Meanwhile, I went to a café today, sat outside on quaint wooden chairs, drank some smoke and inhaled some caffeine as the gentle evening breeze caressed my face and the mosquitos danced and welcomed the darkness. A storytelling workshop was going on inside, and a turbaned fellow in folk attire narrated his story, his voice rising to a crescendo and then falling to a whisper as the audience listened in rapt attention. Old people, I thought, observing the white heads lining the window.
A part of me, I will admit, was curious. I wanted to go in and see if the story could move me as deeply. And yet another part of me wanted to be invisible. I could not bear the thought of walking inside in the middle of a story, all eyes on the young newcomer. I could not bear the burden on engaging in social activity without the convenient façade of digital personas. And so I lit another cigarette, and another, and hid behind my laptop and my writing, letting the mosquitos suck my blood and wishing I was the smoke curling up into the fading light. A crescent moon was rising, and with it, my shame, and inside the lights grew brighter, illuminating wrinkled faces and the sound of humans in harmony.
It was a brightly lit evening and we drove through town, chasing drunken taillights and liquor highs, caffeine stops and neon signs, Steven Wilson to keep the head buzzing and some Warren Zevon to mellow our moods and I asked you why this night seems to go on forever and you just smiled and put your hand in mine, and I forget what your exact words were but you told me what my heart already knew. We were following the dancing lights, or maybe the lights flickered in rhythm with our dance, mimicking our frolic, matching our frenzy, the city was alive just for us, writing poetry to our music, watching as our words mingled together, poetry and prose, music and lyrics, a glorious symphony playing out beneath artificial lights, witnessing a fusion of mangled souls mirrored perfectly unto each other.
Happiness is a stop sign with an upside down smiley. Everything else is a fucking freeway – speed, exhilaration, the thrill of the chase, by-lanes, scraping gravel and gaping, never-ending spaces.
Don’t be thinking of stop signs on the road, kindly whizz along. Unbox, put the top down, scream your lungs hoarse. Embrace the wind, watch the road bumps, turn up the goddamn stereo. Life is ordered chaos, my love. Close your eyes and death shall whisper in your ear; stop too long and therein lies your final resting place.
Can anyone hear me? Because I can no longer hear myself. Dead watery eyes stare back through the mirror but wait someone clicked a photograph of me last night which wasn’t a shadow – there was actual flesh, skin, hair, limbs, even some cleavage – was there life in those eyes? I might be going deaf I’ve been blaring metal in my eardrums and I haven’t tasted any brain cells in a long time my tongue just can’t reach that far back.
Death metal junk food hard liquor and mint cigarettes – that’s me in a nutshell escapism at its finest. See that shithole on your face? Set it free. Who gives a fuck if you’re a foul-mouthed bitch you can always pass it off as sarcasm they don’t know who you are anyway. Who gives a fuck about punctuation I’m too exhausted to care or not care, try don’t try, succeed don’t succeed, it won’t stop anyone in their tracks it’s their life and this is yours. Fuck it.
I know you. I know you well, almost as well as I know the back of my hand, or how my tongue knows the edges of my teeth.
You are the lone tear that rolls down my cheek without warning. You are the characters I create to escape my bleary present. In fact, you are all my characters fused into a grey nebulous mass at the back of my mind. You are their voice, their story, their tragedy, their laughter, their strength. I know you; I created you. I know your purpose. I know your beginning. I know your reason to exist.
I wanted no part in your creation. But I had no say in it. And now look, you are no longer a wisp of thought, a broken consciousness. You are a tumor, little grey one.
Now I know. Finally I understand. I will be the first to go. I will go first, so that you survive, so that you outlive me. Not because I want a part of me to stay behind, but because you shall have meaning. Because when you end me, you shall break free.
I was sitting in my usual corner in the café, when I noticed something interesting. A woman was sitting at the table opposite mine, quite unnoticed by me until the person she was waiting for showed up. The door opened, he walked in and she flashed him a brilliant smile that shone in the semi-darkness – pearly white teeth, dimpled cheeks and wrinkles around her welcoming eyes.
I cannot remember the last time I smiled that way, or was even smiled at with such delight. I realize I greet people with curt nods and save my smiles for the moments that are truly deserving. And now those moments have simply passed me by, waiting, hoping and finally surrendering. I have amassed my own smiles, my own unabashed laughter, affection and naiveté. I realize I’ve been trading silly for sullen and smiles for scowls.
I do not remember leaving a trail back to my store of smiles. Maybe I can trade my frowns again. Maybe I shall dance in the rain again. Maybe someday I will smile for no reason and make that my moment to treasure.