Cat tactics

It’s 4 am, and once more I find myself wide awake, haunted, not by ghosts but by images, hunted, not by demons but by blood-sucking pests, nicotine hits force my eyelids open each minute, and strangely, my thoughts are about… a cat. The cat in the picture.

I’m also thinking about the blood-sucking pests. But mostly about the cat.

Her name is Luna. She looks like a cat, purrs like a cat and has a furry boyfriend with mean whiskers and a stiff tail. But Luna is not an ordinary cat. She’s what I shall call, drum roll please, a felinist. She has adopted a café frequented by dogs because she believes she has as much right to be there as the doggos that come out to play. Luna is a cat on a mission. She fights for a better world, a world where no human should have to choose to be a cat-person or a dog-person. She believes there should be just persons, specifically, humans who will always feed her, pet her, play with her and make a fuss when she disappears. Trees and fences are her vantage points, and from high on up, she carries out her covert operations on dogs so she can learn how to behave like one. And from time to time, she takes polls on whether people can spot any difference between her and the tail-wagging puppers.

Now, about the mosquitos. I have but a few complaints. Firstly, they have utter disregard for privacy. To barge into people’s rooms through shut windows, just to suck a few drops of blood. The nerve! It is spiritual, in a way, how their lives are spent searching for light and drinking the blood of their enemies. Might make for a good fantasy thriller. And they are suspiciously political in nature. Sneak attacks, maim but spare life (unless it can’t be helped), strength in numbers. Makes me wonder who hired them and what the agenda is. But never mind all that. As far as I’m concerned, I only want the customer care number. I need to report a privacy violation.

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I was watching porn last night. My old lady down under was feeling a bit neglected, so I decided to take my time browsing for just the right thing to get those juices flowing.

It must be said – for porn newbies like me, it takes a while before it hits the spot. It needs patience, it needs experience, and willingness to get your hands dirty. First, you need to set the basic premise. Are you in the mood for foreplay, or will you get down to business? Is this going to be a quickie, or will you go for second and third helpings? And what about dessert? Once this is done, you may open that incognito mode in your browser and begin.

At first glance, there are several categories you can eliminate right away. Big tits? Not my thing. Lesbian, gay, bestial, Hentai, MILF, cartoon, anime, cosplay, foot fetishes, handjob, blowjob, masturbation, trans, pregnancy, pissing – hell no. (I like to stay on top of things that don’t get me off). This part needs careful experimentation – start with a small peek like a voyeur hot on their prey, and if it’s too much to handle, get out before you’re scarred for life.

Now, don’t let your freak fetishes tie you down. Be open to exploring your options, you might find yourself pleasantly stimulated. Don’t be afraid to use the search button, no one’s going to judge you for typing in ‘schoolgirl pigtails minge’ (plus it’s incognito so fuck off). Another tip – you may think ‘mainstream explicit’ is a wonderful discovery – Salma Hayek is a total babe, look she’s taking off that white top now – and suddenly, wham – out of nowhere you’re watching a B-grade actress being groped by a moustached hunk, or watching some girl piss on a hairy chest. Point of no return, you have been warned.

Jeez. If you took all that seriously, you’re sadder than I am. I was never a porn person, but times like these really make you introspect. They tell you porn is unrealistic, that nobody has that much fun during sex, and porn stars are really gods and goddesses in disguise, messing with our heads. (Never heard that last one before? I made it up. But imagine if that were true.) But to them, I say: romcoms are not exactly pragmatic and believable either, sex is fun if you are having fun with it, and at least with porn, there are no unpleasant surprises at the end (no one dies in porn and it has something for everybody). That’s a one up for porn.

Character sketches

I’ve come up with a man. I mean a plan. To write about my man. Or to write about my need for a man. Or to write about weird men. And women.

Maybe I’ll just write. I could title it ‘Nonsense.’ Here goes Character Sketch #1. (Cuz I can’t sketch.)


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I somehow managed to come up with this. (Click on pic to check out this cool guy when you can)

The first time I laid eyes on Pandu, I was reminded of a really tall, lanky frog. He had bulging eyes and wore round specs. We met at a free seminar on beetles by some renowned entomologist. Pandu sat on the seat next to me and snored loudly. Although it was quite entertaining, after a while I poked him hard in the ribs. He jumped, looked at me, then grinned, winked, rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue, all at the same time. One could see he was quite mad, and I got the sense we would get along just fine.

During break time, I gobbled up 3 sandwiches and was gathering up my bag as I swallowed the last bite, when he appeared at my side, an entire foot taller than me, not counting the crop of curly hair sitting atop his head. I opened my mouth to make up an excuse about having to dash somewhere, when a tomato slice popped out. Solemnly he caught the tomato, and plunked it back into my mouth. Wordlessly he proceeds to sling my bag over his shoulders, and lead me out the door.

Turns out, he had attended the seminar thinking it was on the Volkswagen species (he has a mad fascination for cars). But I thought it was an honest mistake, could happen to anybody.

Pandu didn’t talk much, but when he did, the words came out a little slurred, especially around the ‘R’s, like he was always a little drunk. He cracked dumb jokes, and sometimes whole minutes went by before he realized you aren’t laughing with him. He liked his peace time, and was easily accused of having attitude and being rude. But most often than not, here was a goofy person who was bound to make you laugh.

He really was a crazy one, and yet oddly talented without even trying. He was also a magician of sorts. He would clap on, clap off, like Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty, and the lights would come on. He could moonwalk and break dance like he was Michael freaking Jackson, and sometimes it was like he had no bones. He could eat with his hands tied behind his back. He’d look at the food, and a long tongue would shoot out and gobble up the food.

His hair was altogether a magician’s mystery. Few people have dared to put their hand in his hair, not knowing what to expect. Things camped in there, and I have pulled out lice, rabbits, and pigeons from in there. One day I even got my hand stuck, we had to call emergency to get my hand un-entangled.

Fascinating creature, Pandu.