If you are anything like me, you will have known nights like these. Thoughts keep you awake, your body is begging you to sleep, exhaustion is taking you down but your obstinate mind refuses to blink. Your brain will ignore the pleas of your body and calmly proceed to rip up and shred every incident and every conversation you have had during the day into tiny, tiny pieces and then surgically slice each piece into particles and quarks that can be obsessed over for the rest of the night.

I have been questioning whether I am forcing myself to be alone or if I am truly enjoying the feeling. Do I pretend I don’t care, or do I really not care? Am I cold and prickly, or warm and gooey in the middle? Am I the asshole I think I am, or am I simply pretending to be an asshole?

I take pride in my rationality. It has been my compass in every decision I have taken, and yet I have found a way to stop obsessing which had nothing to do with rationality. The only way to seek who you truly are is to look within yourself. Your subconscious mind will provide you with clarity.

When I forgot to be mindful of how I appear to other people when I sit alone in cafés for hours, I knew I was truly comfortable being alone. When I became oblivious to people’s stares and judgments instead of merely ignoring them, I knew I no longer cared. When I could walk away with tears in my eyes, I knew I was strong enough to be vulnerable.

I saw myself without a mirror. And then I closed my eyes and slept.

One thought on “Insomnia

  1. Isn’t it awful, that sleeplessness! I did it often as a younger woman, sometimes lying awake until it got light. Always thinking about everything, paranoid and neurotic from events of the day. But I made a conscious decision to quit it! I overthink everything anyway, always considering consequences of mine (and others’) actions, so I was tying myself in knots. What I came to realise was that, although I could not stop myself thinking altogether, my thoughts at NIGHT were often irrational and never had a conclusion to anything – a vicious cycle. The morning would often bring solutions, sometimes as I woke. That kind of light bulb moments that you have when you can say “ahhh. Now I know what to do” etc. In the morning I can work things out somehow, everybody DOESN’T actually hate me in the cold light of day. I

    Now that I’m blogging and if I do feel the way you’re describing (and I still do) I blog it out, read, write, watch a movie til I fall asleep. No thinking allowed. Anxiety’s a bitch, but you have the control really. x


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